"Dad, I do not want this." I turned and then speedily reached out my hand to take the half-chewed whatever-it-was from my son Sam. He went running out into the yard as I stared at the sticky wet pile of yuck in my hand.
Well, it's better than having him spit it out on the floor. Next steps, utilizing the word "please" and maybe actually utilizing the sink rather than my hand.
The next thought I had included some relief. He knows what he would like and what he does not need. That is fantastic. That's what I want to preserve in him and my other boy David as much as practical.
From there I went to pondering one of the participants in one of our year-round programs. She's been working on her website, the page where new subscribers sign up.
Her first attempt at writing the page was really heart-filled and skilled. She was putting into action all of what we taught around empathy and education. The writing was good, it was useful. And about a 3rd of the way down the page my eyes started to glaze.
She Was Working Too Hard
Her problem? She was over-giving. I told her to cut the page by 1/2 to 1/3. I then said, "You do not have to work so industriously. What you're offering is beautiful. Folks will subscribe."
Over-giving comes from such a lovely place, most times. A desire to assist , to share your gifts, and to be sure the person on the sharp end really gets what they want. Laudable and attractive.
There is a dark side to over-giving also , though. It comes from the need to ensure someone truly "gets" you. Or not desiring to lose people. Or some insecurity about whether what you've got is ok. Or, dipping far over into the shadow, wanting to unconsciously put folks in your debt so they will give back to you. Not so pretty.
If any of those shadows resonate with you, it's okay. Please be gentle and merciful with yourself. You?re just trying to get some legitimate wishes met. Your heart desires love and approval. Your business wishes clients and cash. It's alright to need those things. You just need to let go of comatose over-giving as a system.
Take a Big Breath
Slow down. Let your racing heart catch it's own rhythm. Make space for the nervous tension in your belly. Giving more isn't going to get you more. In reality over giving can push folks away.
Let's chat about the two issues with over-giving, then let's rap about a remedy.
The 1st Difficulty with Over-Giving
Over-giving doesn't honour the relationship. Ever had a new acquaintance give an inappropriately intimate or indulgent present? It doesn't feel good, does it? It feels honest to goodness strange.
You've a different relationship with a long term paying customer than you do with a brand new visitor to your site. Don't think both of them need the same from you. Your long term customer has built up a relationship of trust and connection with you, and so their heart is open to receive more.
The new visitor, not so much. They need a lot less. So give them a lot less- not because you're holding out on them, but because you're praising the relationship.
When anyone receives too much they end up overwhelmed. They spit it out, like Sam spit out the food into my hand.
The second Difficulty with Over-Giving
You are working far too hard. When you over-give, it often extends into efforting. There's the unconscious thought "What else will I need to contribute to this to make it okay??" That's exhausting.
It's also something the other person can feel. The majority can spot when you're giving from largesse and ease versus giving from a push.
Giving to somebody can take effort, and that's O.K. I put effort into modifying our client's web page. It wasn't push. I wasn't trying to prove or get something. I was showing up in a fashion that felt right and beneficial.
3 Remedies for Over-Giving
The 1st cure is to connect with your heart. Ask whether you are 1) giving to prove something, 2) giving to avoid something, 3) giving to get something. If that is so let yourself notice what it is your heart actually wishes.
At the core of your heart's need will be a top notch, like love or connection or appreciation. You can fill with these from within your heart. Take a bit of time to ask in your heart to receive what it needs so that you can let go of the shade side of giving.
The second cure is to take a look at the background of the relationship. Is it a new relationship with somebody unknown, or a long-term committed relationship. With someone that has been around? Take a minute within to note what an appropriate level of giving in this relationship would be. Let yourself trust that.
The 3rd remedy is just to chop and burn. :) What if you gave half what you are giving? What if you gave one third of what you're giving? What would that look like? How would that feel?
Well, it's better than having him spit it out on the floor. Next steps, utilizing the word "please" and maybe actually utilizing the sink rather than my hand.
The next thought I had included some relief. He knows what he would like and what he does not need. That is fantastic. That's what I want to preserve in him and my other boy David as much as practical.
From there I went to pondering one of the participants in one of our year-round programs. She's been working on her website, the page where new subscribers sign up.
Her first attempt at writing the page was really heart-filled and skilled. She was putting into action all of what we taught around empathy and education. The writing was good, it was useful. And about a 3rd of the way down the page my eyes started to glaze.
She Was Working Too Hard
Her problem? She was over-giving. I told her to cut the page by 1/2 to 1/3. I then said, "You do not have to work so industriously. What you're offering is beautiful. Folks will subscribe."
Over-giving comes from such a lovely place, most times. A desire to assist , to share your gifts, and to be sure the person on the sharp end really gets what they want. Laudable and attractive.
There is a dark side to over-giving also , though. It comes from the need to ensure someone truly "gets" you. Or not desiring to lose people. Or some insecurity about whether what you've got is ok. Or, dipping far over into the shadow, wanting to unconsciously put folks in your debt so they will give back to you. Not so pretty.
If any of those shadows resonate with you, it's okay. Please be gentle and merciful with yourself. You?re just trying to get some legitimate wishes met. Your heart desires love and approval. Your business wishes clients and cash. It's alright to need those things. You just need to let go of comatose over-giving as a system.
Take a Big Breath
Slow down. Let your racing heart catch it's own rhythm. Make space for the nervous tension in your belly. Giving more isn't going to get you more. In reality over giving can push folks away.
Let's chat about the two issues with over-giving, then let's rap about a remedy.
The 1st Difficulty with Over-Giving
Over-giving doesn't honour the relationship. Ever had a new acquaintance give an inappropriately intimate or indulgent present? It doesn't feel good, does it? It feels honest to goodness strange.
You've a different relationship with a long term paying customer than you do with a brand new visitor to your site. Don't think both of them need the same from you. Your long term customer has built up a relationship of trust and connection with you, and so their heart is open to receive more.
The new visitor, not so much. They need a lot less. So give them a lot less- not because you're holding out on them, but because you're praising the relationship.
When anyone receives too much they end up overwhelmed. They spit it out, like Sam spit out the food into my hand.
The second Difficulty with Over-Giving
You are working far too hard. When you over-give, it often extends into efforting. There's the unconscious thought "What else will I need to contribute to this to make it okay??" That's exhausting.
It's also something the other person can feel. The majority can spot when you're giving from largesse and ease versus giving from a push.
Giving to somebody can take effort, and that's O.K. I put effort into modifying our client's web page. It wasn't push. I wasn't trying to prove or get something. I was showing up in a fashion that felt right and beneficial.
3 Remedies for Over-Giving
The 1st cure is to connect with your heart. Ask whether you are 1) giving to prove something, 2) giving to avoid something, 3) giving to get something. If that is so let yourself notice what it is your heart actually wishes.
At the core of your heart's need will be a top notch, like love or connection or appreciation. You can fill with these from within your heart. Take a bit of time to ask in your heart to receive what it needs so that you can let go of the shade side of giving.
The second cure is to take a look at the background of the relationship. Is it a new relationship with somebody unknown, or a long-term committed relationship. With someone that has been around? Take a minute within to note what an appropriate level of giving in this relationship would be. Let yourself trust that.
The 3rd remedy is just to chop and burn. :) What if you gave half what you are giving? What if you gave one third of what you're giving? What would that look like? How would that feel?
About the Author:
Mark Silver is a spiritual business teacher who works beside microbusiness and spiritual entrepreneurs to help them build tough companies without endangering their spirituality or heart. Join his valuable and widely read newsletter on spiritual marketing
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